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Eric raises an eyebrow to old age

Maybe he's born with it

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Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Oh the cranking wheel of life, it turns again and I’m broken like a butterfly on its spokes. Well I’m more moth with a touch of Swarovski stick-on crystals appliquéd discreetly along the edge of my proboscis (look it up cabbage) but the meaning’s the same. Time wounds all heels and it erases us as we get older, we are it’s wounds, but hey poppets, let’s not get too deep about just another year on my ever lengthening yardstick.

It’s the hairs that I can’t stand, the being over 40 is a doddle, being able to not believe in Kylies cancer anymore a reprieve, but the endless growing of the hairs! My eyebrows in particular! If I let them wild and ragged I could back comb them by now and although I’m not struck down by baldness like many a peer of mine, should my hair recede as quickly as my gums then I will do just that, thicken my eyebrows with Maybelline and grease them down over my head.

I went to visit my folks the other day, deep in the darkest Valleys of Wales, and when I arrived I noticed that my dear sweet mother & I had exactly the same haircut. She was delighted to have a got a £3 haircut that was obviously being worn by fabulously well turned out and hyper groomed homosexuals from England, I on the other hand realised that I’d been sporting a little old welsh lady haircut and had been charged £150 pounds for it by some lisping, but heavily tattooed, hairdresser from Barcelona, who’s eyes were like abandoned puppies and lips like a camels fanny, but anyway.

So I’m older, again, by a whole year, that’s 31 556 926 seconds of utter joy, although if I am honest for at least 15 778 463 seconds I have been happily asleep, farting and muttering to myself in the dark, oh the joy of sleep! I hope I end up like the dormouse from Alice in Wonderland, asleep all the time, living in a giant teapot although I’ll pass on the being scalded awake! The Chinese believe that long eyebrow hairs are a sign of great experience & wisdom ( keep up!), so that explains their manic growth then. It’s all those anecdotes coming back to haunt me, it’s just a pity it’s makes me look like a 1960’s Panda.

The longest eyebrow hair ever was 3.1/2 inches? Sometimes the Guinness book of records makes me wanna puke! Who would let themselves go like that, for the sake of a line or two in some daft records book, some folk have no shame. Time to reach for the Veet I think and practice looking constantly surprised. I am going to depilation heaven and will end up looking like a Roald Dahl Aunt I’m sure, scratching under my wig at my bald scabby head with a knitting needle, and then I’ll get exactly what I deserve.